Friday, April 1, 2016

Elia Stuns Stakeholders at Press Conference

April 1, 2016

This Whole Gig Has Been Nothing But a Way to Meet Hot Dudes

In a shocking announcement made today in the Boiler Room of West Hertel Academy in Buffalo, NYSED Commissioner Mary Ellen Elia stunned stakeholders when she admitted her career in the corporate education reform movement has been little more than a smokescreen for "meeting hot dudes."

"You know we made some changes in the testing this year..." a visibly exhausted Elia began before removing her eyeglasses and emitting a heavy sigh. Outfitted in a black and grey Star Trek costume she continued in a faint, trembling voice "And I think you've probably figured out by now they're all complete bullshit." While an editorialist, err... reporter from the the Buffalo News had to be removed for medical treatment, -- big shout out to you Tiffy! -- parents, teachers and several administrators who begged and whimpered not to be named remained in the room as Commissioner Elia proceeded to explain that she thought Bill Gates was pretty hot for a computer dweeb but there was something creepy and boogery about former NYSED Commissioner John King, enough so that it caused her to have his desk and all of his cabinets hauled away and burned. I kind of thought that old Bennett cat the Regent was pretty studly too.He kind of had that whole "White Fox vibe" until I met him and I kept smelling fart," Elia remarked casually to the stunned crowd.

"You had to know when it all hit the fan in Florida the way it did and I got run off with a million dollar brown parachute that I wasn't so much about this ed reform and testing crap as I was making out," Elia added. "When they pay you a million to go away and some billionaire twit like Meryl Tisch practically sends her husband's Gulf  Stream to pick you up and bring you back to New York, well, C'mon, are people in this state really that effing dumb?" asked Elia with a shrug.

"So here I am barnstorming in a hellhole like Buffalo trying to convince people who didn't refuse to take the tests last year that they should take them again this year. Seriously?" Elia asked the nearly silent assemblage in the room.  "And for a gal like me stuck in this one horse backwater with dudes like Paladino and Quinn? Please. Now that Byron Brown, he's cute as a button and I think we could have a nice chat over some drinks at Pearl Street..." Elia continued as NYSED officials in tactical gear swarmed the podium and removed her forcibly in mid-sentence.

NYSED spokesman Lleno de Mierda released a statement shortly after the disjointed press conference referencing Elia's stress, exhaustion and dedication to the cause of high stakes testing. He also reminded parents and students both to eat a good breakfast and enjoy the new unlimited test times this year. It's a lot like Verizon's old unlimited plans before they switched them, de Mierda added, you can take as long as you like and there's no penalty! 

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