Friday, April 29, 2016

Buffalo Board of Ed Submits Shartifacts for 2016

In what could become an annual rite of Spring that doesn't involve 9 year olds puking on Pearson products I give you the 2016 edition of the Buffalo Board of Education's Shartifacts duly submitted to NYSED and the powers of the night  mere minutes before the Chernobylesque crash of TrueNorthLogic's server that we expect to occur sometime around the middle of your 30 minute uninterrupted lunch break. All in one breath... whew.

After reviewing a page of Board President Sampson's signatures I have to wonder how he didn't notice something was amiss. Closer inspection of the signatures on his petition shows only two women's names on the sheet. I am not an election inspector but I have to say that would throw up a huge red flag if those were the signatures I was counting on to continue my nebulous reform mission.

Board President Sampson's Dog Signed His Homework

That the heavy bad powerful unions have been pantsing and dutch rubbing and Indian burning all of the "reform" candidates -- even crying foul over the fraudulent signatures on their petitions -- has been the source of much angst and agitas for the Buffalo News Editorial Bunker. While these tender souls are technically not part of the Board Majority we understand they serve as the print media wing for the Board Majority on a daily basis. Since Diamond Jim Sampson and multiple cronies were bounced from the ballot the Editorial Bunker has gone into a lockdown. These traumatized opiners exist in a state the world hasn't witnessed since The Siege of Grozny in 2000. Random plumes of smoke can be seen wafting from the stack of the bunker at odd times of the day and night. It has been rumored they are subsisting on canned Beefaroni, Ramen and Honey Nut Cheerios with Almond Milk. Pictured below are relief supplies delivered by Commissoner Elia's personal black helicopter this morning sometime before dawn. There are tears and there is excrement. Anyone doubting this need look no further than today's edition. Or yesterday's. Or the day before that,.. Truly a tragedy for these crusading seraphs of privatization. Won't someone please think of the millionaires? 

Kleenex, Toilet Paper and Depends

Never one to make a statement  --unless one of the boys has already made it somewhere else-- The Board's lone Auxiliary member, Patti Pierce, has reduced her carbon footprint to the point that we're not even sure she's still in the country. With not a lot happening these days -- unless you're out beating the barstools for fake signatures -- Patti appears even more disappeared than usual. Unless you're Larry Quinn waiting on her to bring you another Cape Codder this isn't much of an issue but she was after all elected to do as she's instructed and if that means stepping and fetching drinks for the boys then dammit where's her community spirit? 

Patti's Keeping it on The DL for Serious

The ice boom is off the lake and the Sabres are out of the playoffs again so it must be Spring. And what does that mean to a seafaring bon vivant like Lars Quinn? Let's just say Topsiders and Izod might have something to do with it. Throw in some Perrier and a splash of Ralph Lauren too while you're at it and you've got a fashion recipe for nautical disaster on the shores of Lake Erie. Here's a peek into some of the get ups our man with the chronic case of couch head* will be strapping on amidst the high seas. 
* it has been noted by one Board Watcher that the stern side of Sir Lars' domepiece often appears flattened out as if he's been sleeping on a couch all afternoon. Not my observation but one I felt compelled to include. 

Captn Ahab's Got Nothing on Our Boy Lars

Rain's Not the Only Thing Purple, Right Lar?

This may not even qualify as a true "shartifact" but maybe a relic of these dark and troubling times. By next year we can hope and pray that this billionaire bigot and racist and his dreams of a Mexican funded wall will have faded into the obscurity he deserves. As for his pal the millionaire bigot and emailer, I look forward to his resuming his place on the Board Minority where he can resume blaming women and the unions for all of his woes. 

Do You Want Your Face to Get Stuck Like That?          Trumpadino 2016 


  1. My husband noticed that Mike Hunt didn't sign for Sampson--quite odd.

    1. Mike isn't getting around as much these days. Sadly.